There is a well of immeasurable sadness growing within me hollowing out my insides. Walking back from the busstop I held the edge of my dress in hand and i clutched it tight and played with the fabric trying to make it fit the grooves around my fingers because I felt as though I might cry if I didn't have something tactile to hold onto. I tried whistling but my lips were too dry and cold air rushed out from my insides mingled with what was outside and a little bit of me was consumed with every breath I gave out and mingled with what was outside till I was outside me. I was all around me. I felt heavy like I was wearing heavy boots and I wished the streetlights could have consumed me and made me light filled my insides with light and not leave me with this hollow ugly hungry emptiness gnawing at me from the inside out.
I wish someone would punch my guts out. I wish the music I listened to would make my ears bleed. I wish hairline fractures would develop on my bones so slowly I wouldn't notice and just crumble and collapse when I am least expecting them to. I wish me gone. I wish devastating pain upon myself. I wish I could cry. Not just cry, like heaving sobs where I'm crying so hard I find it hard to breathe and choke on tears that burn my eyes and every area of my face they touch.
Loneliness and sadness cannot form a hollow where there is not substance.