i cannot put it more succinctly only like motion city soundtrack said the bmx bike of my life is about to explode allow me this rant but i cannot stand how a simple task like printing and reprinting countless pages of documents (i printed my extended essay about four times in total and my economics internal assessments and world lit stuff about thrice) and having my name being entitled gek yeen jiya ng instead of ng gek yeen jiya riles me up so easily and it did not help that the motherfucking cheebye lanjiao printer that is in my jiejie's room decided to die out on me halfway so i ran downstairs to my doddy's printer and the dicksucker of a computer that the printer was connected to for some inane reason could not access my hotmail account and so i ran back up and saved everything in a thumbdrive and ran back down to print it and ran up and down a few million more times JUST FOR THE HECK OF IT TEEHEE okay not fucking really more so because i forgot how many copies of each document i was supposed to print and which were supposed to be double-sided and its not just printing the documents that i have a problem with its this whole mad rush nowadays everyone's applying for universities and scholarships and i can't be fucked to do anything for my future or be responsible for myself not that i don't know what i want to do but i don't know how i'm going to do it and right now i can't be bothered to find out and i just really want to be a kid and have things done for me and i just want a break from everything and maybe its just me being lazy and maybe its just me not wanting everyone to grow up so fast and not wanting everything to be moving so fast and i don't want to leave school and i don't want my friends to disperse and leave me because nobody ever fucking keeps in contact or rather nobody is as close as they claim they will be five years from now because we'll find excuses and we'll be too busy and caught up in our own miserable lives and clawing our way out from under suffocating blankets of responsibilities and we'll have to start working and i can't pon work whenever the fuck i feel like it and it really scares me to know that if i ever have a family one day i'll be responsible for someone other than myself and why should i be when i can't handle my own self completely or even adequately and the last time i tried to share someone else's burden everything got really messy like a riveting squiggle and everyone just got fucking hurt in the process and right now all i want is someone to just stop rushing and just stop everything and take a look at everything that's going on all around me because i am too small and i am too insignificant and i am too stupid to take it all in and start moving like everyone else is moving and going somewhere or leaving from somewhere purposefully and maybe in the end no one knows why they're going where they're going or where they're headed for in the end but they just keep going because to stop would be unfamiliar and to stop would be dangerous and i have stopped and i am not moving and i am an obstruction i am danger i am afraid that i will fall have fallen behind and everyone will just keep moving past me in a frightening consuming blur because what else is there to do? and it is highly likely that tomorrow morning i will wake up and go to school and think that i am moving like the rest of everyone is moving and as usual i will be happy and slightly strange maybe a little off and in the daytime everything will seem fine to me cause that is just the kind of person i am and all i am is a kid who can't control her emotions maybe like a pipe whereby what goes in just flows out unabashedly and is not tempered with patience and wisdom and whatever else is expected of me and i am not yet eighteen and the seas are dying maybe when i turn eighteen they will be dead and i will be crying and i want to be remain unable to drive and i want to be driven around because i do not see what is exciting about being able to drive yourself around and i want to carry on having tickle fights on the couch with my jiejie and slump around after dindin and help my mommer with the plates and scream at my doddy that yes the modem is on and no i have not seen kushy and yes i will turn off the modem later and no i won't forget to do it (but i do forget anyway) and i want to be woken up and have breakfast made and ready for me and do all sorts of other kid like things that will be frowned upon as i grow older and EVERYTHING JUST GROWS SO FUCKING UGLY WITH AGE AND WE DECAY AND WE BECOME DUST AND WE BECOME NOUGHT
i am sorry
i am so so sorry that is not how i wanted it to end