while bathing i absentmindedly scratched my chest and forgot to clean off the blood so its kinda just there now and i'm not gonna try to get it off because if i scratch the dried blood off with my nails my skin (how fragile the flesh how hard the nail) will probably tear again. so i guess i will let a scab of dried blood form which irks me cause my torso is otherwise unscarred )O:
below are some thoughts on things forgive my incoherence
a while ago i got off the phone with gladys and then i went to bathe and here i am and i want to sleep by twelve so i'll try to get everything that is now twirling around in my head like spaghetti around a fork out here. i was reading through development economics just now and there was something about how it takes 8000 harvested coffeebeans to make a kilo of coffeebeans that we pay US$5 for (although since when was coffee so cheap but anyway hypothetically speaking) and outta that five bucks we pay, under a dollar goes to the farmers and however many undernourished workers it took to harvest that 8000 coffeebeans which is oftentimes below the cost of production itself. which suddenly made me very angry and flushed and teary. which then made me feel silly for i think i am too quick to feel nowadays. this year i've cried in class three times i think. once when maria nathan was showing us the reconciliation scene of king lear and slightly after when he said they could laugh at gilded butterflies together and i just started tearing like not all out crying just tearing and then tai san saw and then alerted beatrice and then andre caught on so i rubbed my eyes and decided not to be moved by the rest of the clip. and then once during a class party when we were eating pizza in class and someone shouted across to me while we were taking a photo that my smile was ugly and then i ran to the toilet i think i would have bawled my heart out if there wasn't anyone in there but not bawling cause of the comment but screaming or shouting or any form of catharsis even puking just felt right (okay i sound really uptight hahaha NUUU usually people can insult me endlessly without me feeling much but that day was just.. not a good day.) and the most recent was during econs when alice tan showed us a clip about how fat american milk farmers were getting subsidies of up to 137% on their milk powder production and how jamaican farmers just couldn't compete with that and then they showed them pouring away all their milk and how they had to sell away their cows because they just couldn't afford to keep them on the farm anymore AND I SWEAR THE COWS MOO-ED SO SADLY and they even had to sell some of the cows as beef. and that made me feel the same way i did today when i read about the coffeebeans. very angry and flushed and teary.
then when on the phone with gladys she said something about how the extremities of emotions we feel are maybe just a product of a lack of sleep or in our case horrible hormones but i realise i sleep alot (hahaha i am comatose from four till dindin usually) and i feel like that even when i'm not busy being hormonal every few days a month and so maybe i am emo!! not goth emo but like emotional emo and extremely so which kinda sux huh. also i like spelling sucks as sux and yucks as yux is yucks a real word? i used to watch this mini-show by madtv on youchoob called "hope is emo" which i used to think was really funny but i am not so sure now because i haven't watched it in a while but maybe like everything changes what i feel has changed also and if i rewatch it i might not find it funny anymore so i guess i shan't rewatch it cause i would like to think of it as funny always. OH YES ANOTHER THOUGHT (haha everything above was one big thought i guess some feeble attempt at organisation right there) if you ever find yourself questioning the futility and ephemeral nature of things which i did awhile back, i've been thinking about it alot and i guess the only way out of that is to avoid overthinking and to just live in the moment entirely because that is the only way in my opinion to immortalise that moment and make it distinct from all others by not grafting it as an appendage to another memory or a distant expectation of the future. which so many people myself included find so hard to do nowadays because on our mind is something from the past that haunts us and that we are unable to let go off and that makes us jaded and dictates how we see the world and how we act towards the world or something in the uncertain future that is untrodden and which we would like to keep so to preserve the sanctity of things not yet ruined by human touch (or made more beautiful if you're lucky) or to keep crystalised what we hold in such high expectation.
and the other day i asked them (gladys and co) if i were a slut because there is quite a bit of fluff going around about me and i am starting to believe it too (like eminem perhaps i am whatever you say i am) and leeks and mwasa were like noooo but gladys was silent for a bit and then she said something which i cannot post here for it is too personal and then we all burst out laughing and then i hugged gladys happily because she is honest. she is also happy. most of the time anyway. but like me she feels too much too.
then when on the phone with gladys she said something about how the extremities of emotions we feel are maybe just a product of a lack of sleep or in our case horrible hormones but i realise i sleep alot (hahaha i am comatose from four till dindin usually) and i feel like that even when i'm not busy being hormonal every few days a month and so maybe i am emo!! not goth emo but like emotional emo and extremely so which kinda sux huh. also i like spelling sucks as sux and yucks as yux is yucks a real word? i used to watch this mini-show by madtv on youchoob called "hope is emo" which i used to think was really funny but i am not so sure now because i haven't watched it in a while but maybe like everything changes what i feel has changed also and if i rewatch it i might not find it funny anymore so i guess i shan't rewatch it cause i would like to think of it as funny always. OH YES ANOTHER THOUGHT (haha everything above was one big thought i guess some feeble attempt at organisation right there) if you ever find yourself questioning the futility and ephemeral nature of things which i did awhile back, i've been thinking about it alot and i guess the only way out of that is to avoid overthinking and to just live in the moment entirely because that is the only way in my opinion to immortalise that moment and make it distinct from all others by not grafting it as an appendage to another memory or a distant expectation of the future. which so many people myself included find so hard to do nowadays because on our mind is something from the past that haunts us and that we are unable to let go off and that makes us jaded and dictates how we see the world and how we act towards the world or something in the uncertain future that is untrodden and which we would like to keep so to preserve the sanctity of things not yet ruined by human touch (or made more beautiful if you're lucky) or to keep crystalised what we hold in such high expectation.
and the other day i asked them (gladys and co) if i were a slut because there is quite a bit of fluff going around about me and i am starting to believe it too (like eminem perhaps i am whatever you say i am) and leeks and mwasa were like noooo but gladys was silent for a bit and then she said something which i cannot post here for it is too personal and then we all burst out laughing and then i hugged gladys happily because she is honest. she is also happy. most of the time anyway. but like me she feels too much too.
also we decided it would be nice to see tricia (with ryan) as prom queen or je sern (with amanda) as prom king and dammit its past twelve
sometimes i feel like locking my blog
sometimes i feel like locking my blog
