Not very sure what I was trying to achieve.

Fifteen days away from the IB examinations. Going by the pace I studied at for midyears (because studying for prelims did not really occur) I think two weeks should be more than sufficient. So I guess even when people ask me how preparations are going and I feel terrible when I answer that they haven't really begun, it is actually not that heinous a crime and I shouldn't feel so guilty. I guess I haven't really sat down to think about what taking this exam means to me (not that I lack the time to do so rather this recently perpetual feeling of ennui clouds my days like a haze) but I have thought about how many points I think I could realistically get and I would be very happy with a 43. I think what really throws me off studying is how repetitive it gets considering how we've studied the same things for almost three terms now only to go into the exam hall and experience what very much seems like purgatory and exhausting ourselves thoroughly and yet having so little of who we are on that exam paper and leave the hall only to forget almost everything we've covered and do it all over again. Unless of course unlike me you actually retain what you've spent a few weeks cramming into your cranium then kudos to you.

Earlier on I was watching this show about the world's greenest homes and two thoughts struck me. One of the homes had a 52 feet tall wind turbine that generated over half of their home's electricity, and the apartment, named La Casa Verde by the architect and owner Robin Wilson really stood out from the others in the stretch of San Francisco that it was constructed in cause it didn't have a conventional roofing system and the exterior of the house was painted an avocado green (hahaha my mommer reeled away in disgust when the camera veered away from the other normal looking apartments on the street and panned in onto what she perceived to be a sick greenish monstrosity) and the interior was really minimalist in design with the owner letting natural light stream in and irradiate the house with the help of translucent frames and glass and it was really clever and staggering how she managed to incorporate recyclable materials into the materials that were used both in the construction and the aesthetics of the house. The host of the show asked her what she had in mind when she was building the house and she said something about wishing to see a hundred more turbines dot the skyline of the boulevard and for the general public to be more inclined towards the use of alternative sources of energy rather than bearing just mere acquiescence towards such energy alternatives and it just hit me then about how wondrous it would be to see your goal materialize in front of your eyes to actually see a tangible manifestation of your hardwork, or how wondrous it is to have a goal at all or something to work towards.

The other home that was featured on the episode that I watched was about a house that this couple constructed in the forest! Again it had ceiling to floor windows which are a favourite of mine and the couple talked about how the house was a beautiful reprieve from sivilised society (hahaha huck finn okay they didn't mention those exact words that but it was to that effect) and it really was just a pulchritudinous marvel of architecture and it was in essence a tree-house which is way awesome its like a childhood dream fulfilled but better cause its pimped up) and I loved how they built around their natural surroundings and made certain parts of the house like the veranda meander around the growth of trees and their undulating roots instead of brazenly obliterating the forest and clearing a plot of land for their home. It made me feel so happy just looking at the house and the couple that lived blissfully in it. And while watching the show it occurred to me that very few people really get how much pretty things people places get to me and just how much value I place on beauty and the aesthetics. Which does not justify but kind of explains my perpetual obsession with being skinny because of the abstemiousness and purity and immaculateness I associate bones with and how overjoyed I am when someone else appreciates the same object of beauty that I do and I can understand how to a lot of people such an obsession might seem superficial or frivolous or downright queer but it really is just one of those things I can't help. And so I can honestly say I do not love myself simply because I feel as though I am not beautiful enough in appearance in thoughts in words in deed and desecration of the body does not seem horrific or appalling to me as it does it others. Even smoking doesn't seem as repulsive as it did before simply because of how debonair people look while holding their cigarettes a certain way and how the ash scatters from the dying embers of a smoke or how diaphanous smoke rings that dissipate in the air look WHICH I KNOW ARE ALL REALLY SHIDDY REASONS AS TO WHY I WOULD EVER CONSIDER SMOKING AND I WOULD JUST LIKE TO SAY THAT I DO NOT ENDORSE SMOKING but still I now know not to judge people who do (also why my tumblr has alot of pictures of people smoking hahaha). I just wish cigarette smoke would smell better.

Time for some Gregory and the Hawk on my blog goodbye Elliott Smith your music is beautiful. Speaking of whom, he was found dead in his apartment in 2003 with two stab wounds to the chest. I wonder just what brings people to their tipping point and rudely shoves them over the edge and if God ever forgives people who kill themselves.