Things that make me smile like Kushy sleeping on my jiejie's bed in her disgustingly pink room (also check out the number of Marie stuff toys she has on her bed) and Kushy's paws and ugly but fluffy and nice tasting homemade pancakes with honey and butter and butter and butter. The words on the pancake mix were so misleading they said the whole packet would make thirty pancakes but I used half of it and made like.. three pancakes. Okay so my pancakes were rather obese and podgy (foreshadowing how I will look soon enough) but still three is far from fifteen.

Yesterday was Shauna jiejie's wedding and I'll post piccas later but I wanna blog about it first before I forget how anything felt. First off I was mindblown because they played so many songs I told myself I'd convince my husband to play at my wedding if I ever do get married like You and Me by Lifehouse and You Make My Dreams Come True by Hall and Oates AND THEN AND THEN SHAUNA AND ASH PAPI (hahaha that's her husband's facebook name I LOVE READING PEOPLE'S FAKE FACEBOOK NAMES OUT LOUD OKAY ANYWAY) DANCED IN THE CENTRE OF THE BALLROOM TO A SIGUR ROS SONG I CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH and they had a time lapse video of northern lights and random mountains playing in the background and the lights were dimmed and everything else felt so still and everyone but the couple had faded to the backburner but at the table some of my cousins were like WHAT KIND OF SONG IS THIS I DON'T EVEN so I was kind of sad because if I play strange icelandic songs at my wedding maybe no one'll appreciate them and be all like YOU GUIZ HAVE QUEER TASTE LETS DITCH THIS SHIT. Also before the dindin in the ballroom they had the solemnization ceremony where she walked down the aisle with her mommer on her left and her doddy on her right and her eyes looked big and black and shiny so mebbe she was crying but she looked so blissful and full of a quiet joy of what was to come.

And I guess most girls dream of like the perfect wedding and all but recently (okay the past like four years or so but the feeling's intensified this year) the very concept of the institution of marriage has beguiled and puzzled me more then it ususally does. I guess I just don't get how two people remain so stalwart and unchanging in their belief in such a wavering intangible notion that is love and how they have utter faith and trust in another being. I mean, God's love its a different thing because if God exists and he's the perfect being yadayadayada his love by extension is infalliable and perfect. But we being humans then can never experience such perfect love and only disappoint and I guess I've seen how ugly things can get between adults and so I'm scared because I wouldn't want to do the same to my own children yknow? But how beautiful it would be to find someone whose face you would want to wake up to in the morning even after fifty years and whose body is a map you could trace with your fingertips with your eyes closed and still never tire off and who moves in sync with you (kind of like how butterflies mimic each other's movements the first time I saw two butterflies doing that in real life I was pretty sure I'd never see anything more beautiful ever but life has its ways of surprising and bringing new kinds of joys to a nine year old).

Anyway not really relevant but a quote from Everything is Illuminated just surfaced from the recesses of my mind. "This is love isn't it? When you notice someone's absence and hate that absence more than anything? More, even, than you love his presence?" Up till now I can't decide how true this quote is or whether it speaks merely of a selfish yearning more so than it speaks of love.