waiting for film to be developed is probably the best and worst thingabobby about having a film camera in bintan 1) we took photos of the morning sun's rays emanating from between the clouds cast and scattered onto the sea so i cannot wait to see how those turn out also 2) i made granola converts outta beatrice and haokz and 3) finally understood what hamsters feel like in hamster balls cuz we got to roll about the resort's pool in giant inflatable balls 

waiting for results is an entirely different matter altogether and i have a bad feeling about getting into the courses i've applied  for and am honestly not sure what i'd do if i don't get anything i want (please please please let me get what i want) and the crushing sense of defeat that might take awhile to evanesce will probably make everything less fine and dandy and peachy keen but for now i guess i will savour all this glorious free time that is raining down upon me and watch the months slip by as seamlessly as they have been but it would be wonderful if this uncertainty - that appears unannounced at the most innocuous times of the day (and starts a slow process of dismantling threatening to thwack and thin and tear tiny diaphanous strings in my mind that connect thoughts)  like in the moments before deep and tumultuous sleep or before i sit down to a meal or as i stare down at my feet while at bus stops - would be gone